Adopting a child is one of the kindest, most selfless things that a set of parents could possibly do. While some choose to do so because they are unable to have children of their own, in many cases, children are adopted into homes with at least one other child already. The latter situation poses a degree of difficulty for some, as they wonder how exactly to go about making the adopted child feel like he’s really part of the family.
According to licensed professional counselor Elliott Connie, while adopted children come with a certain set of unique challenges, it is important for parents in such a situation to remember that parenting is parenting no matter what. When approaching an adopted child, the goal of being a parent should still be the same as it would’ve been had the child been naturally born into the family. To achieve this parenting goal, parents should make an effort to treat the adopted child in the exact same manner as they would treat their birth children. Often times, parents in these types of situations do end up treating the new addition to the family a bit differently, whether they intend to or not. However, as far as an adopted child is concerned, treating him differently will only serve to make him feel out of place and not really part of the family – and in this situation, that’s the last message that any parent would want to send.
Interestingly enough, when it comes to treating an adopted child differently, in most cases, the word “differently” translates into a loose version of “better.” After all, parents in this situation are more likely to let an adopted child get away with more — disobeying orders or acting out at school for example — whereas a birth child who acted similarly would be subject to punishment. It is important for parents to remember that if an adopted child misbehaves, then they shouldn’t go out of their way to cut him slack. Instead, they should render the same punishment that they’d give any of their other children for a similar offense. Not only does this teach the adopted child that he can’t simply take advantage of the situation and act out whenever he pleases, more importantly, it reinforces the fact that he is no different from any of the other children in the household. The sooner the adopted child comes to think of himself as on par with the other children, the sooner he will truly begin to feel part of the family.
Of course, bringing an adopted child into the picture poses some challenges for the other children in the house. However, according to Elliott Connie, children can often handle more than parents expect and are smarter than parents might think. In this type of situation, it is important that parents be open with their children about the adoption process and trust that they’ll instinctively understand how to react positively to the newest addition to the family. In fact, parents should allow their existing children to take part in the process of welcoming the new child. Perhaps the existing children can help set up his new bedroom or pick out some key grocery items to have on hand when the adopted child arrives. By giving children an active role in the process, parents can turn an adoption situation into one that truly works to build the family as a whole.
At the same time, parents should realize that their children’s job in this situation is to simply be children, and that it’s not their responsibility to make an adopted child feel welcome. As an adopted child is incorporated into a family, it’s natural for the existing children to feel jealous or resentful at times. However, parents should realize that if they are doing a good job as parents, then the children will eventually figure out how to handle the situation on their own.
One final thing for parents of an adopted child to remember is that by simply establishing goals in parenting and implementing them with a degree of kindness, they are doing their part to help an adopted child feel at home. Children – all children – have the ability to recognize when a parent is being a good parent, and after all is said and done, one’s presence as a parent is more than enough to make an adopted child feel like a member of a loving family.
