In some marriages, the spouses involved are truly codependent, where they can’t so much as spend a couple of hours apart without calling constantly to see how the other is doing. On the other side of the coin, there are also those couples who, when apart, almost don’t seem to miss each other at all. These are the same people who, despite the fact that they’re married, go on separate vacations, spend most evenings with “the guys” or “the girls,” and only phone each other during the workday in the event of a true emergency. The extent to which spouses rely on each other for constant company can certainly vary from relationship to relationship, but some might wonder: When it comes to a healthy marriage, how much time apart is too much?
According to licensed professional counselor Elliott Connie, as long as both spouses are satisfied with the relationship, then there is pretty much no such thing as “too much independence.” It’s easy to get caught up in the standards imposed by society, and it’s also easy to get hung up on the antiquated notion that a good marriage is one in which the members are inseparable. In reality, each marriage should only be judged by the people who are a part of it, and not by society or any other outside party. Therefore, if both members of a given married couple feel that they are content with their togetherness or lack thereof, then that’s really all that matters.
Another thing to consider is that not all spouses have overlapping interests. While a bond needs to exist at the core of the relationship, it can easily be the case that the people in question have different opinions as to what constitutes “fun.” If one member of a couple enjoys rock climbing and adventure sports while the other prefers museums and art galleries, then it might make sense to vacation separately. In fact, by pursuing individual hobbies rather than pressuring or forcing one another to take part in activities that aren’t of interest, spouses can actually achieve a more well-rounded and satisfying existence overall.
Naturally, if the parties involved do not see eye to eye on the issue of independence versus alone time, then a problem in the marriage could arise. However, “clinginess” and “independence” are character traits that tend to be displayed quite clearly over the course of a dating relationship. They are also personality aspects that don’t tend to mesh well together in the long run. Therefore, people with such opposing ways of thinking don’t usually tend to get married in the first place. However, people do change over time, and if the issue of “too much togetherness” or “too much time apart” does eventually arise, then the spouses in question must work together to reach a happy medium. Still, it is up to the parties involved – and only the parties involved – to determine how much togetherness is required in order to keep the marriage as strong as it was back when it first began.
Of course, it is also a good idea for spouses to schedule some “together time” every once in awhile, as this will only reinforce their bond as husband and wife. But otherwise, there’s no need to panic if one person spends multiple nights a week at the local sports bar while the other stays home and curls up with a book. In fact, they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, so some time spent apart could end up helping a marriage and not hurting it one bit.
