When it comes to parenting, it’s not unusual for people to develop and then impose their own expectations onto their children. More specifically, even in today’s relatively open-minded society, many parents are still inclined to push their children toward certain age-based or “gender-appropriate” functions and activities. However, licensed professional counselor Elliott Connie warns that this is a truly bad idea.
Parents need to realize that their goals in parenting should entail helping their children develop into successful, satisfied members of society. Therefore, by compelling your child to embrace a role that doesn’t necessarily suit him, you’re actually causing yourself to move in the opposite direction of your parenting goals. As a parent, you should take the time to discover what your child’s strengths are and do your part to help him further develop them. By forcing your child to do something that he doesn’t want to do, you are not only taking an active step to make him unhappy, but you’re essentially sending the message that his talents are irrelevant, if nonexistent.
As a parent, it is sometimes necessary to remind yourself that you don’t want to change your child’s life patterns for the worse; that’s probably the opposite of your goal. So if you see that your child is excelling at something that isn’t necessarily common based on his gender, age, or place in the family, then you should go out of your way to show your support. Don’t force your child into a role that doesn’t suit him well simply because a certain path makes more sense to you than another one does. Not only is that disrespectful to the child, but it actually sends the message that you, as a parent, are oblivious to his successes; and according to Elliott Connie, there’s no better way to make a child lose confidence and feel terrible about himself.
While many parents and children tend to butt heads over gender roles, this same concept applies to older versus younger children within a family. Many parents are quick to pigeonhole children into roles such as “the responsible one” or “the baby of the family,” and take active steps to enforce them as such. However, this kind of close-minded attitude can backfire and negatively impact the children in question.
If the oldest child in a family, also known as “the responsible one,” decides to leave her after-school job in order to be able to participate in a school play, then she deserves to be encouraged, and not questioned or held back. The problem is that many parents in this situation would be likely to scold the child for being frivolous and immature simply because her actions happen to contradict the assumptions that were made about her based on her position within the family. In reality, the child in this scenario is making an independent decision to pursue something that makes her happy, and had the middle or younger child in the family made a similar decision, the parents might have reacted differently. Because parents are quick to impose certain standards on children based on age and gender, they can get so caught up in that mentality that they become unable to see the big picture — that their child is actually much happier being someone else.
As parents, it’s important to remember that your goal should be to encourage your children in whatever it is that they do well, and in whatever makes them happy. If you become aware that your daughter is ferocious on the basketball court, then don’t try to convince her to become a ballerina; instead, encourage her to keep practicing those dunks. If the youngest child in the family declares that she has her heart set on a college located across the country, then don’t emphasize the difficulty of living on her own with no one to take care of her; instead, applaud her courage and display some confidence in her ability to succeed in such a situation. Always focus on your child’s successes; and rest assured that no matter where they take him in life, as long as your child is healthy and happy, you’ve done your job well.
