Spending quality time together as a couple, without arguing and bickering, builds a strong foundation for any relationship. Linda Miller-deBerard runs Confidential Care Professional Counseling, based in Colleyville, Texas, and talks here about why it is so important. She specializes in treatment of women’s issues, marriage counseling and mood disorders.
Committing to couple time is important in any relationship, and can be pivotal when a couple is having problems. A lot of it pins on teaching couples to communicate in a safe way, spending time together in a safe and caring environment where they are able to talk about their needs.
There is always one person in the relationship who wants a lot more couple time than the other, and one person who wants more individual time. Stereotypically men are the ones who want more individual time, but sometimes it switches and it’s the woman who wants to be on her own more.
Finding the Middle
What I do is to help them find what the middle of that is. I have to help them find what will work for each other, for them as individuals and also as a couple. Once we find the middle, they each have to stretch to meet each other’s needs. The person who wants more time has to stretch so as not to want to grab onto that so much, and the person who wants less time has to stretch to give the partner more time.
Once we decide what that looks like, I find it important for them to develop a plan that is specific as far as the date, the time and the frequency in which they will meet together. I call that couple time, or spending quality time with each other as a couple.
I joke with couples that I went to a training once where a therapist told his couples to get couple time on the calendar, then go home, write it down and fax it to him. I don’t go that far, but I want them to decide what day of the week and what time of the day they are going to meet, and who’s going to decide the activity. I also want them to decide is that going to happen once a week, once every two weeks or once a month? They need to determine how often is that going to happen.
Something Interactive – Together
My preference is that these couples are doing something interactive, but depending on where some couples are in their relationship that’s not always possible. What’s important is that couple time has to involve an activity that is comfortable for both of them.
Sometimes taking turns in selecting an activity is important because sometimes couples do not have a specific activity they can agree on. They need to take turns and stretch to meet each other’s needs. For example, if he is into sport and she is not, the stretch might be attending a sporting activity with him, not because she likes sports but for him.
Again, the key to being able to have that couple time is knowing that each partner will be safe, kind and respectful to each other during that time. If they are going to attack each other when they are together, they will gravitate away from couple time. So a key factor is to make couple time quality, enjoyable time for both partners.
