In an ideal world, all family members would get along and grow to love each other more and more as the years go by. However, since reality does not always conform to that Brady Bunch mentality, it is natural that over time, some family members might begin to resent, dislike, or even detest one another. Of course, such undeniable feelings can often become their own source of conflict within a family.
Let’s take an example of a brother who considers his sister to be a cruel, hurtful person. As he gets older, he might no longer feel the need to maintain the illusion that he loves and cares for his sister simply because they happen to be related by blood. As such, he might take steps to separate himself from his sister by avoiding family gatherings at which she is likely to be present. While the brother in this scenario might be acting out of self-preservation, his decision is likely to upset some of the other members of his family, causing them to lash out at him for selfishly refusing to put on a show for the sake of the rest of the family. The question therefore becomes: Are you obligated to love a family member simply because he or she is a family member?
According to licensed professional counselor Elliott Connie, nobody has the right to treat you poorly and make your life genuinely worse, whether that person is a blood relative or not. In fact, it’s healthy for people to take steps to make their lives legitimately better. So if a family member is bringing you down, then it’s actually not wise to spend time with that person. In the aforementioned example above, if the brother feels that subjecting himself to repeated encounters with his sister will only make him miserable and cause him pain, then he has every right to go out of his way to avoid future contact. After all, why should he be forced to deal with misery out of mere obligation?
On the other hand, Dr. Connie does suggest that the brother in our example give his sister an opportunity to change things about herself to become a healthy and positive part of his life. To simply shut her out forever would be truly unfair, but nothing is wrong with a firm ultimatum. Therefore, the brother should explain to his sister that as long as she continues to do the hurtful things that have caused him pain in the past, he cannot be a part of her life. However, if she takes steps to change those things about herself, then he should be willing to give their relationship a second chance.
So does this mean that we are not obligated to love any family member who fails to take the necessary steps to earn it? According to Dr. Connie, not exactly. While you’re not obligated to allow a family member who causes you pain to participate in your life, you should still try to love that person nonetheless. However, you can attempt to love someone without subjecting yourself to painful interactions. In the case of our emotionally-wounded brother, he should make every effort to generate feelings of love for his sister while giving her an opportunity to make things better. At the same time, he has every right to stay away from her until she changes those things about herself that hurt him in the first place.
Of course, by distancing yourself from one family member, you could end up hurting another. In this case, you should try to explain to the rest of the family that you are simply taking the necessary steps to avoid pain. You can also emphasize that you are open to rebuilding the damaged relationship as long as the other person makes an effort to become part of your life in a non-hurtful manner.
Elliott Connie likes to stress the fact that every person has the right to pursue a happy existence, and no family member should get in the way of that goal. While you should try to work through family issues, remember that you are not obligated to subject yourself to pain if such efforts fail. By giving a hurtful family member an unending opportunity to become a positive part of your life but separating yourself from him until that happens, you are taking a healthy step towards achieving your goal of being happy. And nobody has the right to take that away from you.
